A 12-Year-Old's Heartache

I've always been a romantic at heart for as long as I can remember. Showing affection was never hard for me, and as a child, I did it even knowing I risked getting hurt. Thankfully, I never stopped expressing love despite the experiences I encountered.

Let me share a story about the first time I fell in love. As an 12-year-old dorky kid, I had no romantic experience, but I began to develop feelings for a neighborhood boy who lived across the street. We started locking eyes as we passed each other; sometimes, I would even receive a smile in return. This innocent back-and-forth flirting continued for months, but one day—let's call him John—was hanging out with his friends. As he passed by, he smiled and said hello. Just that small act of kindness sent all the other boys into a frenzy as if he had proposed marriage. That's when the teasing began. Whenever the gang of boys saw me, they made fun of me and called me horrible names. Despite the bullying, I continued to be nice to John, but as their teasing escalated, he began to avoid looking at me or saying hello. I felt that his friends' opinions mattered and that I wasn't cool enough for them. Eventually, John joined in with the teasing, because, of course, that was what his friends were doing—they were like a pack of hyenas.

I was heartbroken by his reactions and the cruel words he said. It was the first time I had experienced heartbreak. All I wanted was kindness from the boy I liked, but instead, I faced bullying.

* The building looks as ugly as it did in the past. Nothing really changed.

I hadn’t thought about this story in years, let alone talked about it, but yesterday, I happened to pass through my old neighborhood, and there was his house. I stopped and stared for a moment as memories flashed before my eyes. I instantly thought, my 12-year-old self needs closure.

So here I am, writing about this love experience because I feel it deserves attention. Yes, some people might say, "Oh my god, Alex, that was so long ago!" or "What did you know about love back then? You were just a kid!" My response is, "Yes, I was a kid, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of feeling love for someone outside of my family and friends."

Our childhood experiences shape how we navigate love as adults, and revisiting this story made me realize how I’ve carried those feelings into different love stories throughout my life.

I believe it’s important to reflect on the past when the lesson presents itself, especially when facing trauma. If we aren’t prepared, we might end up deepening our wounds.

When confronted with love heartache, we can choose to bury it and never think of it again, or we can transform it into something—like art.

I thought it would be fitting to write a letter to John, expressing my feelings for him and the heartache he caused me. Writing down these feelings gives voice to my younger self, allowing the 12-year-old to speak with the help of her older self. Though I lacked emotional maturity back then, I have it now, and I am here to help myself.

2024 Valentine’s Day illustration

It's never easy to open old boxes filled with sad memories, but doing so gives us a chance to heal.

So, be brave, look within, and write that letter with as much honesty as you can.

Happy Valentine's Day ❤️

With love,

Alexandra